TWO things that makes getting over someone you never dated extra challenging are:
- You never got the chance to actually try and see what it could have been like.
- Since you never tried, you never got complete closure.
One goes in hand with the other.
So if you want to get over someone you never dated, you have to let go of what could have been and create your own closure.
Continue reading to find out how...
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
GETTING OVER A PERSON YOU TECHNICALLY NEVER DATED IN 5 STEPS
It does not matter if your crush is a guy or a girl, if you just fancy them or are madly in love.
The process for getting over someone you can't have is still the same. It all starts with developing clarity.
The following 5 steps listed below are placed in order. So if you follow them step-by-step you will not only be able to get over them, but also move on with your life towards something greater.
DEFINE THE QUALITIES THAT MADE YOU FALL
Mentally letting go of someone is definitely easier said than done.
So to make the process of letting go easier, start with figuring out WHY you wanted to hold on to them in the first place.
Having no idea as to why you developed a crush can build up a romantic mystery around the person. And sure, it can seem romantic to keep it this way, like it's some big unknown force that just can't be put into words.
But looking at it from a more scientific standpoint, it just means you have put enough thought into figuring it out.
Here’s the deal:
It's much harder to let go of someone when you don't know what made you fall for them. It's like you found something magical that can't be replaced. But when you know why, you also know what to look for in order to find it again. So your loss becomes easier to cope with.
So by creating a clearly defined idea of what qualities you value in this person, you know what qualities to look out for to in the future.
Here is a list of areas to help you find out what qualities could be important to you. It's most likely a combination of things within these areas. But try pick out 3 things that stands out as being more important then others.
- Their values (things that are impotent to them)
- Their interests
- Their social status
- Their looks
- Their confidence
- Their kindness
- Their fitness
- Their intelligence
- Their talents/skills
- Their manners
- Their financial status
- Their attitude
- Their voice
- Their ambitions
CREATE BALANCE IN YOUR PERCEPTION OF THEIR QUALITIES
When we start to develop a liking towards somebody it's common to start a habit of picturing what it could be like to be together with them.
We think about all the things we have in common and how amazing everything would be. Our mind becomes like a targeting missile when it comes to finding new positive angels that will enhance the picture that's forming in our head.
It just feels so good to play with the thought of what if...
So we end up with this picture perfect scenario in our mind of what a relationship with them would be like. And you end up thinking that if only they could see what you could, they would understand that too.
But this is where things go a little bit too far.
Building up relationship-ideas of how things would be like without having any real-life experience of being in a relationship together creates an illusion.
A perfect illusion, that will be very hard to let go off.
This is crazy:
Your subconscious mind can't distinguish between what's real and what is imagination.
Real or not, in your subconscious, it's all just an experience.
And this explains how we can fall in love with someone we know almost NOTHING about.
By using wishful thinking and our imagination to fill in the blanks, we get to enjoy the raised state of being in love.
You see, in order to move on you have to kill the illusion you built up in your head. Because at the end of the day you can't be so sure it would be as amazing you would like to think.
There are so many things you don't know about him or her yet. For example, moving in together with somebody can come with a bunch of new unwanted surprises.
- They always create a mess
- They have a very unpleasant morning mood
- They disagree with your style of interior
- They have nasty habits you don't like
The list can go on, but I think you get the idea. It's too soon to think that they are the perfect match you want to believe.
You want to think about this angle of not having enough experience while you're trying to get over them. Truth is that since you haven't dated, so you can't really say would like them as a partner.
Kill the illusion of what could have been by accepting that you can't really know.
MAP OUT YOURSELF IN THE 7 STAGES OF BREAKUP GRIEF
The third step in getting over someone you never dated is to expand your awareness around grief. Grieving is what allows you to leave something behind you and move on.
This is scary:
People with incomplete grief often develop nasty habits in later stages of life. There is research that shows that if you suppress grief by pushing away feelings of let's say sadness or hurt. You may develop unresolved emotional blocks that will come out in other areas of life such as:
- Obsessing and missing someone
- Frustration and anger
- Hyperalertness and fear of loss
- Behavioral overreaction
- Low-grade depression
- Addictive and self-harming behaviors
Grief is a path you must walk before you can fully let go. There are in total 7 different grief-stages that often follows a breakup. Even if you never dated the person, you need to grieve the loss.
Read more about the seven stages of grief following a breakup here.
COMMIT TO A NO CONTACT PERIOD
As your reading this post you might still be in contact with this someone you're trying to get over.
However, if you're not in contact with them anymore, you can skip to the next step.
Going no contact means that you cut all communication with the person you wanted so that you can better focus on your recovery.
NOTE: This does not necessarily mean that you will never speak with them again. It just means that for now, you are going to prioritize your own personal growth, wellbeing and happiness.
When your heart is broken, hope can be incredibly destructive. Sometimes we just need to accept that something is not going to happen in order to open up new doors for greater things to enter our world.
Interacting with the person you want but can't have can keep you from letting go of the hope that they eventually will change their mind. Every time you talk with them you get reminded of your desires and this will keep your illusion alive, and letting go will get even harder.
Read my full guide to the no contact rule here.
CREATE A VISION FOR A YOUR IDEAL LIFE
The most painful things of letting go of somebody is not only that you lose them.
But you also lose your idea of what an ideal future would look like as they were a part of it. And when you start to accept they won't be a part of your future, you feel like life has nothing good coming in your way.
How will you be able to believe that things will get better moving forward when the vision you wanted to move forward to, have been crushed...?
This is why hearing the words "things will get better" can feel so out of place after a breakup. Because in the mind of somebody that just got their vision for the future totally destroyed, there is nothing "better" about the future anymore.
What’s the bottom line?
It's so important to take the time to create a NEW idea of what a better future would look like when your old one been taken away.
When you actually have a picture in your mind of what a good future would be like without this person, you can still feel hopeful that things will get better moving forward.
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I'd Like To Hear From You
What do you feel is the most challenging with moving on from someone you never got the chance to date?
Ask any question you might have or share any experience that could be inspirational to others.